Today’s column is about defense mechanisms.
Q: What are DM’s?
A: They are “psychological bodyguards” which act as mental shields or coping skills, to protect you from painful or fearful thoughts.
Q: Why are DM’s important?
A: All of us share the common yoke of suffering: fires, floods, illness, death, wars, loss of loved ones and a host of other extreme stress states. Acting like a sphere of steel, DM’s encircle us so we can survive life’s hardships.
Q: Can you give examples of DM’s?
A: Yes. Denial, a common DM, occurs when someone refuses to acknowledge that they are doing something harmful that is apparent to others. Denial is often seen by people who struggle with drug or alcohol problems. Another DM, similar but more powerful than denial, is Repression. Repression is selective amnesia for disturbing thoughts or experiences which are removed from conscious awareness. Repression is often found in victims of torture, rape or abuse.
Q: Do DM’s have “side effects” or liabilities?
A: Yes. Here are three negative aspects of DM’s:
1. Exhaustion. Activated in the first decade of life, DM’s operate 100% of the time. This bleeds off vital mental energy, causing the loss of “aliveness.”
2. Mistaken identity. How one protects themselves with DM’s, is often mistakenly viewed as one’s identity. For example, the statement, “He is a loner” is commonly said of heavily defended people.
3. Anhedonia. DM’s can separate you from everyone and everything. Trapped inside an invisible bubble of safety, DM’s cause Anhedonia (the inability to feel pleasure). This causes the vibrant colors of life to fade into black and turns the taste of food into paste.
Q: Are their good and bad DM’s?
A: Yes, but let’s view them as either highly adaptive (good) or poorly adaptive (bad). Denial and Repression are considered to be poorly adaptive DM’s. On the other hand, DM’s which uplift our hearts include affiliation — the ability to reach out and help others, and humor — the ability to seize life’s most painful arrows and twist them into buoyant stories and belly laughs, which restore hope.
Q: Would you like to travel back in time and hear a story about DM’s? OK, here goes!
From the misty moors of Aberdeen, to the bay of Brighton Beach, comes a legend about a medieval king, whose honor cannot be breeched. Camelot is his Castle, Guinevere his Queen. He wields Excalibur, his sword. His wizard is Merlin. The year is 555 AD, and King Arthur, bloody from battle, returns home. “We’re home men, strike up a song.”
“Hut, 2,3,4,
My mother was a mermaid,
My father was a whale,
But at my birth, I heard them curse,
Oh no, our baby has no tail!
And so I joined the army,
A soldier that was me,
But then I drank ten tankards of ale,
Oh no, what a calamity!
Out popped my tawny, ten foot tail!
Hut 2, 3, 4.”
“Welcome home sire,” bowed his servant. Guinevere awaits you in her chambers.” Arthur headed up the stairway, pushed the Queen’s door open and hugged her. “Gwen, I …” “Ouch,” she yelled! “How many times do I have to tell you, before you hug me, remove your armor?”
“Gwen, this isn’t armor, it’s chain mail and …”
“Arthur, it’s not just your chain mail, it’s your distance, your loner personality, your absence emotionally. How can I know where the man I love begins and the mental walls end? Even when you are here, it feels like you are away, and your drinking is out of control.”
“What, my drinking? Nonsense!”
Boom! The castle shook. “What’s that,” Arthur asked? “Merlin’s new invention, go see for yourself.”
King Arthur entered Merlin’s laboratory, where he saw Merlin standing over a massive, cast-iron tube. “It’s called a cannon, Arthur. It uses this black powder to explode and propel this 10-pound ball, which can obliterate the walls of this castle.”
“How can we defend ourselves from this new weapon?” Merlin replied, “You can’t, Arthur, thicker walls beget bigger guns. The only solution is to create a world without Kings and castles and war, a world where people can trust one another.” “How do I do that,” Arthur asked?
I’ve written it down in this letter to you.” “Merlin,” Arthur’s voice dropped, “Gwen’s accusing me of being too distant, detached and of drunkenness.”
“Arthur, she’s telling you the truth. You’re using denial and repression and have turned off your feelings — ask her for help.”
Arthur told Gwen what Merlin had suggested. “I’m sorry Gwen, I’ll listen to your help, but first, what’s this letter that Merlin gave me mean?”
The letter was a drawing of a rectangle, 60 by 40 feet, with a circle inside the box. “The 40 by 60 are the dimensions of your meeting hall, where you gather with your knights,” said Gwen.
“What’s the circle,” Arthur asked? “Think furniture, Arthur, what’s round and made of wood?”
Now that you know about DM’s, how can you apply your knowledge to make your life better? Simple — high-trust relationships (family, friends, and faith) are more protective than thick castle walls, so, take a look at your existing relationships and begin to make them closer. Maybe buy a new round table.
The content of this article is for educational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for treatment by a professional.
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
