Introduction: As iron is to rust, so too can hope be eaten away by the hardships of life. Especially in winter. For the bite from winter’s fangs punctures the flesh of even the most stouthearted.
But be forewarned, for the worst comes after the bite. When winter’s poison seeps through the blood-brain barrier, sowing seeds of paranoia: “No one thinks about you anymore. Release your grip upon this world. Fall into the pit where voices of winter’s wicked sisters swell into a siren’s chorus: Do what you want. Break all the rules. Fall prey to your dark side.”
Yes, I know. It’s clear from the introduction that my mind has lost its mooring. But it’s not my fault. It’s the winter weather: Rain, snow and then ice; cold, damp and then Nice! See the sun shining for one day! Then fog, sleet, snow ….
Another problem is, the older I get, the less I’m able to tolerate life’s daily frustrations. Allow me to show you a litany of one day’s events.
1. Bad sleep. There is something living behind the wall of our bedroom. Mice, bats, raccoons? Last night, I listened to a hootenanny of high-pitched shrieks. My wife dismissed it — “That’s just the sound of your nasal passages draining.”
2. Woke up late, alarm battery croaked.
3. Shower. Shampoo is AWOL (military slang for taken without permission). I used bar soap on my hair.
4. Daughter made fun of me. “Gee, Dad, why is your hair so spikey?” (She knows why).
5. “Your tie doesn’t go with your shirt,” wife points out.
6. Ice-bound truck.
7. Frozen door lock, key can’t enter.
8. I climbed through truck bed, pried open back window, got in, and fired up engine.
9. Exploding dash lights — “tire pressure low.”
10. Tire gauge AWOL.
11. I kicked each tire, dash lights go out. Yeah!
12. I backed out when, “Gas low” warning light flashed.
13. Go to gas station. Gas cap frozen. I twist and twist and snap! Sprained right wrist but cap opened.
14. Credit card rejected.
15. Billfold is empty. Time for a scavenger hunt — two quarters under floor mat, two more under seat. I purchase $1 of gas.
16. I started the engine. Low tire pressure. I kicked each tire, Ouch! Right ankle sprained.
17. Went to work, where my secretary told me, “You’re at the wrong office.” “Wrong office?” I replied. I called your cell,” she said, “My cell?” I replied. “Why are you speaking like a parrot, repeating my words?” I replied, “A parrot?” She said, “I’ll call you on your cell if you can find the right office.” I replied, “I lost my cell.” She paused, “Lost it again, huh?”
18. Drove to correct office. Limped up icy steps.
19. Work is done. I drove home to begin “Search and rescue” for my phone.
20. Wife, son, daughter all together now. “You lost it again?”
21. Eureka! Wife located cell in a snow drift.
22. Cell phone is frozen. I pop it in the microwave, fire it up!
23. “You’re an idiot!” my wife screamed. Poof! Cell phone all toasty warm. Does it work? Nada.
24. Son and daughter beckon me over. “Dad, did you pick up the birthday cake for mom’s birthday? “OH no, the 13th, today!”
25. “I’ll be right back.” I jumped in the truck and tore off to the store.
26. “Wow, great cake!” I said.
“Sir that will be $39.13.” I go to my wallet, but it’s missing. “I’ll be right back.” I checked my truck, no billfold. I decided to drive home to look for it but, engine sputtered, “Out of fuel.” I wanted to call home, but no cell phone. I re-entered the store.
I lowered my voice and oiled each word — you know, like the gangster talk done by actors Humphrey Bogart or Mickey Rourke — and sidled up to the clerk. “What’s your name, son?”
“Robert, sir.” “Well, Robert, here’s the deal ...” I handed my watch over to him to hold. “That watch is an O-ME-GA, like in EX-SPEN-SIVE, so, you keep the watch, I take the cake, I come back, give you cash, you give watch back. Capishe?”
Robert held the watch up to his ear. “Sir, your watch is busted, so no cake.”
Boom! I fell into the dark side. I seized my watch, snatched my cake and limp-sprinted out the sliding glass door.
One week later: “Oh,” my wife smiled, “the animal rescue team is coming today to remove the animals from behind the wall, here is your brand-new cell phone and your watch is repaired.”
“Dad,” my daughter purred, “here is a bottle of your favorite shampoo.”
My son smiled, “here are three zip lock bags. One for keys, one for cell phone and one for coins.”
Conclusion: “Never lose hope, even in t
Dr. Richard Elghammer contributes his column each week to the Journal Review.
